My energy is a little low right now.
I interpret it as sadness. But it is more than just sadness and emptiness.
I am sad and relieved to know that my father just passed away a few hours ago, in bed, in his sleep (presumably), after months of being not-so-thrilled about living.
In recent years, living alone, just about surviving, managing his health, diabetes and its ailments, he lost his eyesight and was put in a senior home, Beit Ahva, in Kibbutz Yagur, where he lived (and where I grew up in too) most of his life.
After becoming practically blind, my father had lost much of his will to live. His life energy.
He had said to me once that he had really good eyes and he was afraid of getting blind due to complications of his disease.
Being dependent on care from others depressed him and soon after becoming blind, he began losing interest in life, which is in my opinion, the saddest part of the story.
This is how and when dying occured, and not necessarily the actual death, i.e. leaving his current body and this life.
The recent months were for him, to my understanding, just waiting for the inevitable of leaving this life.
He didn’t suffer from lots of pain but probably rather from being dependent of others for everything.. waiting for the next thing to happen - washing, the next meal, going to a check-up, with some more bad news, going somewhere, and getting irritated and stressed by not being able to see how he walks and being prepared to fall every second, which is why he was always a little bent forward.
We could argue that he might as well have left his life earlier, but this was not his Karma.
He wanted to live longer, and chose to depart when he did.
I am now, since a short while back, a firm believer in Immortality - meaning: We all occupy this vessel, our physical body, for a while, until health and sustenance are not strong enough, and we perish, only to be born again in another vessel after a while.
At the moment of writing - this snapshot - I don’t know much more than that.
I don’t know what the COVID shots and the “medicine” has done to my father in recent time, but I do believe that there is something very dark in these shots and in the medicine, something that promotes death and resists sustenance and perfect health, which is why people succumb to death even though they have done everything the doctors and the establishment have told them to do.
I really hope, as my wife tells me, that my father will come and visit me, now, when his soul may be able to travel, and we, the living, are stuck geographically and are not able to visit the empty body, which in 2 days, will be buried.
Jakov, father - thank you for my upbringing and for the love you have given, your support, your kindness and a little less for your stubbornness, which kept you enslaved to things, just to “keep the routine”.
Perhaps you might have been more alive, healthier, perhaps even still married (or perhaps not, long time ago, not just since 30 years).
I still hope you have managed to live through some lessons, and learn something from this life, for this is the soul purpose of life. get smarter and further in our soul development.
I hope life has meant to you more than just compliance with norms, and with the diabetic regime, which has taken a heavy toll on your life force.
You will be remembered for your big heart, not always knowing how to show your love and strong feelings for us, but luckily for you, we knew it anyway. Your kindness will always live with us. You will be remembered by your repetitive humor, which I have borrowed and used for annoying someone close. You will be remembered for being a compliant warrior (mostly of the diabetes) to your last day. Whereas some fights were worth fighting for, others were just taking the toll on you. But you had your choice too.
I hope you haven't been suffering of heart aches and remorse. I hope the last battle was over and done with by being wise.
I love you, Abba Jakov, always have, and always will.
(For you who can read Hebrew, here are some words about my father)
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