My Wedding

The trap so many fall into - the "Honey Swamp"

Today, the 10th of October, denotes the 15th anniversary of my marriage to my wife.

So here is my take, my version of marriage and the beautiful, fluffy-ugly-kitschy stuff around it.

The Husband for the Wife, HU?....

Meaning, the “House-band” as in binding the Weib (woman in German)?

I don’t actually want my Weib to be bound to a house.

If she wants, she can stay with me.

If she doesn’t (or if she cheats) - then she can go.

No, thank you.

The whole thing is screwed up, in more than one sense.

The ultimate peak day in life for many couples, as society prescribes.

Be it for the big bucks for all providers, as in religious “services”, catering, a ring for several months’ worth of salary… Or for the feeling of security for the future -  to provide for potential children and some “romantic” fairytale and in my personal opinion - in most cases, the safety of the couple, as in being with someone and avoiding loneliness… 

Regardless, it is a big institute.

At the least, many want it to be an unforgettable moment; the wedding day, the day he proposed to her, the time they met for the first time, the first date... 

A fairytale? The standardized booklet of cliches, if you ask me.

Though I have seen a few exceptions too.

And I had made up my mind, long before I met my lady, that I am not going to go that road. Being an unholy Kibbutznik from the “holy land”, I stumbled upon an unpolished Polish girl, less than holy, a recovering catholic pearl from an unholy family, refugees from the Polish revolution of the eighties.

Background

We met by chance in a bar on Christmas Eve 2005 in Stuttgart, when I sat somewhere and sipped my Beck’s beer (I came by, unaccompanied to a random bar in Stuttgart that night, like many other nights), and I saw my work mate walking into the bar, accompanied by a girl.

Note to Self - a colleague from work has landed in this venue, accompanied by someone else - I can go there and say hello. I finished my beer at last, and went to say hi.

I met them and he introduced her and kept chatting with others in the venue.

So I chatted with her.

We chatted and I read her palm and we chatted some more. Great conversation, and then they left for the next venue.

Fast forward 5 months.

I was in a bar on the last Thursday of April, 2006, with a friend, a Swede, also single at the time, and we chatted with a triad of girls, great conversation. 

Apparently, in the background my girl showed up in the venue with the same workmate. These two were not a couple in a relationship, but since they had known each other for a very long time, they were almost like cousins. Their Polish mothers had been friends for ages and the mothers had clearly taken for granted that these two eventually should be together and marry and have a joint family. “Love will show up, eventually”. Or so they thought. 

Woops, says reality.

Not so fast… not at all, actually. More like - forget it.

More often than not, when the parents try meddling with love issues, it turns into trash.

She told me she had never seen this guy as “relationship or marriage material”, but they had good times together, went out, spent time together and hence a little more like cousins, rather than anything more exciting that resembled “butterflies in the gut”. To me, he was a colleague from work - fun, funny and relaxed, especially in those settings. The guy who orders a drink for himself and for you at the same time.

With her? He had obviously gone with the false promise, with which the mothers had been concocting in their mutual thought processes.

After the girl triad had left (they were nice and accommodating and not so single, hence secure and relaxed), She came to me on the dance floor, while I was in the crowded dance area, surrounded with strangers.

She asked, “May I?..” - to dance with me.

I said “No” of course, as my own character prescribes. An easy question easily gets an answer which shows my colors. My facial expression said yes, of course. but she didn’t listen to the words. She wasn’t meant to either.

We danced for a moment, then she went off.

I saw her sitting somewhere, looking slightly down and sat by her.

She said that the guy she came with, my colleague, was not her boyfriend, and we chatted some more until I told her that we were leaving. And we left.

We went through the center of Stuttgart and had a great conversation, and she revealed to me that she had been looking for me for the last months, either accompanied by her brother, or by her friend, my workmate. She wouldn't ask him for my number and wouldn’t ask after me, since he might be jealous. Which he was eventually.

But she would ask her brother every now and then to come with her out and look for me.

After this revelation, she had to be kissed, and so she was kissed.

WOW. That was a moment worth remembering, indeed.

Then we went to my apartment not so far from the Stuttgart center. And we actually slept together, like - sleeping. Nothing more fancy, intimate or perverted than that. Just a good night's sleep. It was late and she was free the next day.

What happened  in the morning was a bit more intimate, and I won’t get into details but it was not exactly playing chess.

And so she got breakfast, and what I had in the fridge was some salad ingredients, all slightly frozen since my fridge used to do just that, freeze my stuff, as the knob was going to maximally chilling independently.

Then she left, to her mom, where she lived at the time, after having left her last boyfriend.

Later that friday I baked some bread (I used to bake regularly these times) and came with a couple of bread loafs to her mom, who wasn’t too familiar with guys who bake bread, but very familiar with finding faults in anything and everything.

We spent most of the next days together, then the next months, then she moved in (rather than having most of her stuff at my place). … Then spent the following years (more than a few years now, and counting), or rather, invested - together.

Life hasn’t been easy.

We were, still are, both hurt and traumatized, like most people, having had unsupportive parents and demanding society, just like most of you readers, whether you like it or not, accept it or not. From what I gather, most people in this world have some kind of psychological baggage that no one bothers to address.

I stood up with her compulsive (to my taste…) cleaning habits and her being “spirited away” at times (like many others, she could become nasty after drinking alcohol, a tendency within the family (to get drunk and slightly evil) and unfortunately a very common thing for sensitive people who are not shielded from these evil spirits that may “walk in” in when people are intoxicated.

Being a man - along with other manly characteristics (like being strong, steady, having integrity), prescribes that we are expected to define the terms of the relationship. And women should do it too, and they do sometimes, but not often enough, which leaves them at the mercy of the guy and his matured (or rather immature, as it often is). 

It’s not like women cannot be decisive or have an opinion of their own, but often they appreciate a strong and decisive guy who suggests a solution that can be accepted or not. When the guy is less than strong or decisive, women get confused and frustrated on a subconscious level.

I actually got such a comment many times:

“You could/should have suggested that we do this or that, but you didn’t!”

Which renders me guilty in her eyes. Beyond the “blame game”, which I try to avoid, notice that she actually expected that I take the initiative.

Guys are ALWAYS tested by women for their integrity, moral virtues, their love and stability, their courage and initiative, since they need to know if the guy is strong enough for them, stable enough to not hurt them or their offspring, and also protect them from predators, especially human predators). And not to forget - be brave, taking initiative and navigating the path.

I cannot say I have passed all the testing with my woman, but I have managed to instill in her the level of comfort and confidence in the masculine, that has led us into a very close (yet stormy) loving relationship, and stay together through the years. I have made her feel safe. In my arms, in my company, and with most of my own little rucksack of issues.

The storminess is in my opinion resulted by both of us being fed the usual less-than-useful crap by society and our own parents, of “how it is” in a relationship and “how it is supposed to be” and “what to expect”, none of which is explicitly said in words, none of which is actually true or useful, but expressed by deeds and feeling all over the place and people (especially mothers, who are traditionally responsible for the emotional portion of upbringing) that cannot - and would not - contain their feelings and words, and won’t go one inch further with their own personal development.

All this craziness from our upbringing is amplified by traumas all over, and by life’s stresses as a part of reality.

A big chunk of all those misery factors is a series of traits that could fit a 3 year old but are very prevalent for people of all ages in today’s society - a big ego, very low self esteem and self respect. 

You see, since we are, most of us anyway, plagued by low self-esteem, we all have a feeling of low self-worth, which renders our partners, at a subconscious level, as jerks and/or idiots, take your pick. On a subconscious level it is: “If I am nothing, then my partner of choice is as low-life as I am”.

Even when he/she has saved me from myself repeatedly, has managed to lift me up from my sorrows and my constant tearing down of myself, like a self destruction button I keep pushing, as if it were a big, tasty lollipop to lick whenever things are going at the right direction too steady, just to shake things up a little, so I won’t think of my life as “too good”, or heaven forbid, successful.

Having a low self-worth implies that the ONLY self-worth/respect comes from others’ opinion of you, and an acute lack of patience, since being unsure of “whether I get my share of the pie or not” makes things a little more urgent.

One thing that has helped me with the relationship is to actually define my terms, and at times, draw a line in the sand in a way, so when things are sliding sideways out of control, then it brings safety to myself: when craziness gets unbearable, one can always leave. Regardless how painful ending the relationship may feel, it is by far better than staying in a bad or poisonous relationship than staying together and bringing more pain and trauma to this world.

Except for the feeling that I can always end the relationship and be better off, some other resources have always given me the feeling of control over the course of my own life.

Learning how the intricate game between men and women actually works is something I would recommend everyone, and especially every guy out there. This is a slight understatement but to put it mildly, as it is of crucial importance. Not in order to be able to play with girls and fool them into something, but to be able to have some control over the interaction. Most people, like myself in early age, have no idea how it works to interact with the other gender, have just some hints how their own gender ticks and in the best case, have observed the other gender, as to assess and (often wrongly) deduct what to do with the other gender.

I have observed myself, my parents and everybody else around me crash and burn with each other, including my own parents, who separated, and came back to each other, at least around the dinner table, and when my mother became the prime caretaker of my father, in the years before he passed away.

A “Crash Course” in the art and science of finding a partner

By the way... There is a book by Mark Manson with a somewhat less-than-great title IMHO, that is actually quite useful “MODELS: Attract Women Through Honesty”, that in fact subscribes to the notion that you should hold your integrity high, as opposed to what men usually do when picking up women - being manipulative and dishonest.

The best way to describe the right attitude towards the (potential) partner is to be yourself, with integrity and vulnerability. Honesty, trust and respect are important pillars that when they fail, things are deranged and it’s better then to fix it first, or nothing else matters.

Vulnerability is the secret spice that depends on trust in yourself (which is the basic condition to trust somebody else) and integrity.

Opening your heart will be felt by another who has a similar HW (i.e. heart) and SW (i.e. human feelings). It is not a “Stick", a slick move to try on someone you intend to love, and it is a challenge to the selfish, who wants to just glide in the world and have his/her needs met. Being vulnerable will definitely be felt, and it is a filter of sorts, since if the other one doesn't have the same attitude, they will leave. And you will be safer this way, alone and much better off.

You have just saved yourself the potential drama that might follow when attempting to have a “fine” girl, with potentially huge luggage of issues (where FINE is the acronym for: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional… So now you know).

Getting a girl may entail kissing a lot of frogs, but it becomes fun after a while, if there is no pressure for successand this frees you up from screwing things up (screwing… in a bad way, i.e. NOT the bed way).

When finally getting another human being that is “relationship material”, or even longer commitment, it might be a very picky choice or a journey that everybody does in his/her own way.

However, this choice will be of a girl that matches your issues, complexes, how your mother treated you, or your father, or both parents, and sometimes even looks like your mother.

Well then, upon getting into a long commitment, you may embark together on a journey of solving the issues, with each other or perhaps - sadly - after breaking up.

It is in fact easier to get what you want than to keep it.

For myself, I have never aimed at becoming a great womanizer, a “player” or an artist in picking up women, just good enough to avoid the usual pitfalls, like falling “in love” (or in lust) too quickly, becoming a stalker of sorts, or heavy freak that most women run from, and a whole assortment of other very common mistakes that normal men are so prone to.

I had been doing all kinds of less than useful acquaintances, until some things dawned on me and I have gathered some useful things to keep in mind, and that has made a huge difference. I have never bragged about any successes or crashes, and in fact, I actually think it is more useful to say that I am an extra virgin. It saves the bragging and it lets me keep the somewhat stuff that is neither interesting nor romantic to myself, since prior relationships and/or shorter encounters are none of anybody’s business.

Having this kind of knowledge gives you the control over your life and the ability to stand steady and say “No” or “enough” or turn around and walk away on any sign of “FINE-ness” or anything I don’t need in my life. And it is also effective with my wife. I know I can and should define the terms - for myself at least, and relinquish the neediness, totally independent from any outcome. Having a high degree of freedom in a relationship.

The Wedding

Wedding? Haven’t I pointed out that my Stück is to avoid delivering more idiocy and fake, candied rituals between a man and a woman? - Yes, I surely have. 

Instead, I tend to break any and every rule there is out there, just to make a point, alternatively, I may stretch and do the stuff that would make the local (usually self-appointed) “rule guardian” idiot most irritated.

I want and need to feel free, you see.

But In Germany, it is slightly more convenient to be married by law.

so here is the anecdote:

A long, long time ago… or anyway, at least a few minutes ago, my lady sent me a message from work, at the pharmacy on the other side of town. It was winter 2010, and the message read: “I want to get married on the 10th of October, 2010, at 10 o’clock, as in 10.10.10.10.

That would be cool”. They had just talked about it at work and it was like one of these dates that “Everybody” wanted to have in their plans, calendars and to-have-done lists.

Of course I said, “No chance”. She knew of my policy in this regard. And why should I get out of my way to chase an idea and go after a stupid fairytale? Again, not my cup of tea.

In April that year, she became pregnant with our first child - hmm.. Interesting development in life… But nothing more either. But in late September, I found out that 10th of October is a Sunday, and who would want to allow us to have a civil marriage on a Sunday, in Germany?? Nothing goes on a Sunday, I thought (falsely, I found out later, since you get to spend money in the money-hungry system), so perhaps we can fly to Sweden for a weekend, do the thing, and go home.

So I booked us on a Ryan-Air flight to Västerås, Sweden, booked a rental car, and told her (pregnant, remember?) that we are going to get married, deploy a civil marriage in Sweden. 

Wife - very happy, needs to find a dress (in which she could fit in the pregnant belly she carried with her. 

She borrowed a dress from her colleague and that was that.

I told our friends in Västerås that we are coming over for a weekend, they asked why, what is the occasion, so I stated our plans.

For them it was a bigger thing than for me/us, so they invited some of our mutual friends over, and we had a little party at their place. on that Sunday, we went to the city hall, where a short procedure would take place.

Note to self: Our rental car is vandalized. Someone had a party on the windshield. We would deal with it later.

The ceremony was indeed short, but we got the “longer version, and a lady, a local politician, was assigned to wed us, and she got with her a poem and a short speech. When that was done, we got out. The time was 10.10, and so - there was the wedding.

We took some photos in the park nearby, and then, the only thing left to be done was taking care of the damaged rental car.

Rental companies make a lot of money in case the car is damaged, which is why the insurance for rental cars is a blooming business. They only need to show you the text in small letters, and you realize that all the extras and the waivers do not cover all.

So we got another rental car, a hole in the wallet of several thousand SEK, and came home married.

What did the mothers say?

• My mother was very happy. She didn’t care about all the fluffy stuff she was not invited to, just that we did it.

• The other mother (now, in-law) was furious.Actually, I do know for a fact that she has never forgotten it, or forgiven how the “Shitty son-in-law” (yes, she actually said it, to me in my face, the brat that she has ever been) didn’t invite her to the wedding.

That is exactly why I opt for the simple version, in fact - as simple and rudimentary as possible, so the “wrong people” don’t get in the way, and don’t have the opportunity to ruin a nice, cool and/or dimple event, rendering it about the worst possible.

I don’t have a list of people who I wouldn’t invite to a wedding, but I can decide in a heartbeat who should never be there, and unfortunately, both our mothers are on the persona non grata list.

The damage is already done and I am quite happy to have grown up away from their guardianship. And I am looking forward to taking away my beloved wife from the parenthood that she, eventually some day, can recover from.

Now after this ranting session about mothers, I feel a tad relieved by releasing some of the grudges toward my own mother, for being somewhat less than grown up herself, and still trying to deciding things for me, during childhood and long after that, what is nice to wear, who she like and doesn’t, what I should be doing and foremost - what I should invest in doing. 

The worst of all has been teaching me how to find faults in everything, telling me that “I am just like my father” and now I have been carrying her faults and also my father’s faults in me for half a century. So… Now it is time to release this junk, forgive my ancestry, give a break, give myself a break, and continue with my own life, which I have been building quite successfully thus far, but have a whole lot of new chapters ahead, just right in concert of the aforementioned shadow junk gradual release..

And by doing just that, I am a way-shower, to myself and my little family, for starters, and perhaps to others. I am not afraid to take responsibility for the stuff I have done wrong, and hopefully some day, more responsibility for the stuff I am doing right, or even marvelously. One of which is to live with, and wed (see this story) my stormy, beautiful flower for a wife.